Checking In – Lyrics

I’ve lost all sense to tell if the prescriptions are working
Orange bottles filled with pills on shelves to make me stop hurting
I am learning every day feeling exactly the same way
What else is left to say maybe I get what I’m deserving

Time is pressed into my back like a knife
Pushing me into a starless night regardless if I’m thinkin right
The darkness suffocates; my breathing gets tight
Got no senses to fight
I reach out blindly without finding anything that might return my light

But that seems unacceptable when I am looking at my lot
Contemptible even for someone who was born with what I got
To pass up the opportunity put unto me: Did I miss the shot
And slap the face of those that society never gives a spot

Taught to be the protagonist but I’m clearly off the path
Fought to just be adequate – and barely managed that
Want to be compassionate – but I’m not sure what that takes
When I am caught in this paralysis – I’ve lost myself to fakes

A privileged up-bringing, now that fucks with your head when your head is fucked up already
Cuz you’ve seen all the good things what they should bring: how the fuck are you not happy
And you know no one should care so you have to grin and bear it while internalizing hatred but aware you can’t share it
So you just stare in the full-length mirror judging every glaring flaw til your claws start to tear it

How. Dare. I. Think. This. Song. My. Stress. Is. Any. Thing. But Worth. Less.
I confess I’m depressed and I wrestled with the best method of expressing my mess
I get why white sadness is left for comedy – frankly it oughtabe, like what kinda wannabe Tom Macdonald prodigy do I gotta be to say this unironically honestly, I’m past the point of apology

[But I’m still sorry. But should I be? What am I apologizing for? For being me? I don’t know what to do… anymore]

It’s exhausting every time I gotta tell someone I’m fine even though we know I’m lyin’ but I promise I am tryin’
I’m not the kind to reach out
Locked up in a mind confined I can’t shout
So in this guise of mine you hear now
I’m expressing the cries that I have played down
The only way I know how:

Life is hard when your brain fucking hates you
The punishment it wants to face you
Until there is nothing left but the late you, but
You can’t let that shit overtake you
As much as I have wanted… to give into madness
Trapped by thoughts that haunt me I know how it happens
The voices that call me I can hear em laughing
But that’s not how this story ends I’m not cracking